I see again one door closing in front of me. I just wish that I could see them opening sometimes. Now it is just closing closing and closing. It really pisses me off, but I can't really do anything about it now. Life goes on, eventually. Those who fly highest also crash down hardest, though I don't know have I even started to rise from ground.
It is my flaw that I get too excited about things, before I know anything sure and then I fall down hard. Can't really help it, it is in me, you can't change it. It is on my personality. I should be thankful about it, that I can feel deeply, joy and sorrow, empathy, always my antennas are stuck out, trying to solve how everyone feels. It is pain and it is blessing. Sometimes I just wanna be quiet, wish to go to religious retreat to hear only silence. It is like you could hear people thoughts. Long time I didn't realise that everyone are not the same, everyone can't read situations and see how other get upset, or are angry or hesitant. Now I know, all are not the same. So I should be thankful. God has created me, does he make mistakes? No. So here I am again, in front of his cross asking, why, asking what is your will in my life? I guess it wasn't me going from that door. I accept it. Though I am protesting. Just a little. I guess my father isn't that kind of father, who turns his back to me, because I'm stubborn. He knows better. It wasn't suitable door for me. Someday I will find a way. Another door. Prettier. More colourful. More fitting for me.
"One who argues with his cerator is in great danger. One who is like a mere shard among other shards on the ground. The clay should not say to the potter: "What in the world are you doing?" Isa. 45:9
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